Create Your
BEST
Relationship
A guided educational program for taking care of you and your loved ones
Blueprint & Toolkit Included!
You can use this free guided program to:
Reconstruct a relationship that has been strained
Warm up and enhance a successful, happy marriage
Design and build a new partnership
All the tools you need to make these changes can be found here.
Is this program for me?
+ What if my partner doesn't want to work on our relationship?
You can always jumpstart this program yourself by choosing to practice tools that generate positive behavior (Appreciations, Be Kind, Positive Tracking, Sandwiching). Your partner will likely notice your new attitudes and behaviors and like the change. When you change your own behavior, you elicit change in your partner. S/he may become curious or even reciprocate. But before you initiate any change, remember, you want to warm things up, be sincere, if you feel irritated or frustrated by your partner’s reticence, try to generate empathy. Lots of people don’t believe they can improve a relationship. They might feel awkward, insecure, sad, unsure, disappointed, lonely, ashamed, inadequate… who knows? If we didn’t grow up with positive models and good relationship skills, it’s hard to know where to start. Don’t blame them or yourself, just be willing to take the first step to reset.
+ Most of the time we have fun together, but there are areas of conflict.
This program offers you a suite of four tools that will guide you to reduce your conflict and find solutions that help you both get your needs met (See Bond). (Circuit Breaker stops the escalation. Collaborative Communication replaces competitive debate style arguments with a respectful, kind, constructive process that builds understanding and empathy. Brainstorming guides you to find solutions that satisfy both of you. Scaffold helps you gain the perspective you need to be a better team.)
+ We’re nice to each other, we don’t fight, our problem is we just don’t feel very close anymore. We hardly talk and seldom have sex, can your tools help us?
There are many reasons partners lose their connection. Sometimes feelings cool because you are busy, stressed, or distracted, and you forget to make it a priority to take care of your bond. Or you may have gotten into conflicts you were unable to resolve and have started to build resentments. Pressure from parenting, work, dealing with extended family, or stressful social situations you find difficult to manage can also result in a lack of warm connection. Partners start avoiding conflict, begin labeling each other in unkind ways and feel lonely. Without tenderness or connecting conversation, sex is much less appealing.
If you follow the four steps of the program, I think you will find you can calm down any conflicts you are experiencing and your relationship will warm up quite a bit. To maintain your BEST partnership: You have to maintain your Bond, take care of your own Emotional health, manage the Social stresses you encounter and be sure you have adequate support to weather the changes you will have to deal with over Time.
The tools in this program address both sides of the problem; warming things up and cooling off the conflicts. There are tools that help you pay attention to, recall, and focus on, your connection (Plugging In, Positive Tracking). These help you feel more motivated to spend time together. Other tools help you stop escalations and learn effective, kind ways to resolve your disagreements in a way that pleases both of you. (Circuit Breaker stops the escalation. Collaborative Communication replaces competitive debate with a kind, constructive process that builds understanding. Brainstorming guides you to find solutions that satisfy both of you. Scaffold helps you gain perspective.)
+ I have friends who could use this program. How can I get it to them without offending them?
Try a couple of the tools you think they might want or need and see if you find them useful – then let your friends know you found this resource and they might like it too. This approach accomplishes several things. It takes the stigma of “you’ve got a problem” out of the picture: If we/I tried it and liked it I’m making it clear it’s helpful and I don’t feel embarrassed about doing something to make life more fun. Also, by sharing something l liked, I’m excited and being friendly; I’m not intruding or judging my friends.
+ When we get into conflict it’s scary, can your program help us?
No. If either of you are afraid of getting hurt, this program is not for you and you need to get professional help resources here. In fact, even in person couples counseling is not recommended for high conflict couples who are at risk for violence. Opening up difficult issues should only be done when a situation is stable. In most cases, this means the person who is being hurt or threatened needs to seek support individually. Only if and when the other partner has sought out and benefitted from treatment should the partners consider working towards a reconciliation. And then only with a professional and a support network.
This is not a place where you can find clinical treatment but, rather, where you can strengthen your marriage or partnership on your own by understanding new perspectives, gaining skills, and reducing conflict. If you want/need professional support you will find helpful information here: https://loveforthelonghaul.com/resources
I am happy to answer general questions, like those above, to provide useful information, perspectives, and strategies that could be helpful for you and other readers. Your personal information will be protected. But I am not able to counsel you personally. Though I am a licensed clinical Psychologist in the state of California, this is an educational site. If you are seeking help with personal issues, you can find helpful information here.
Ready to improve your relationship?
Create your BEST marriage or partnership using the Blueprint
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Strengthen Your Relationship Now—Step by Step!
Bond
Step 1: Get closer and
reduce your conflict
Emotional Health
Step 2: Stay calmer and
be your best self
Social Support
Step 3: Reduce stress and
increase support
Transitions
Step 4: Manage change and
avoid crises
Building Resilient Relationships
Barbara Bennett White, PhD
40 years of counseling couples and families
Adjunct Clinical Associate Professor Emeritus,
Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences,
Stanford School of Medicine
After decades of working with couples as a Clinical Psychologist, I understand that relationships can be hard to navigate, especially under stress. I also know what it takes for marriages and committed, long-term partnerships to be successful, fun, and happy over time.
Through extensive research early in my career, I developed framework for marital therapy that has proven very effective and efficient for couples from a wide range of backgrounds and cultures. “The Relationship Blueprint” provides a schematic that helps couples to see a more complete and accurate perspective of their partnership, and Tools to help them better care for it. I created this website to share this information with as many people as possible as we all deserve love for the long haul.
Blueprint Stories
“We were pretty skeptical to begin with. We are both pretty solid people and we get along really well. We were amazed at how much we got of the program. The exercises sparked good discussions that helped us feel closer.”
— TH
“Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us, it has changed our lives.”
— CR & AR
“These tools provide a sigh of relief. We’ve been married 12 years but we never learned the tools we needed until now. We already are being kinder and gentler with each other even without going to therapy.”
— KW
Add your own story. If you find tools or suggestions helpful, let us know so others can benefit from your experience.
“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.”
Mahatma Gandhi
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Feedback
What’s working for you? What do you want more of? Where do you get stuck?