Be Kind

As you focus on improving your relationship, the first thing you need to do is always remember to “Be kind.” Research shows that being able to communicate in a kind and respectful way despite inevitable differences is central to preventing divorce. Feeling heard by each other, being able to listen and understand each other when you have different perspectives, making decisions about issues you strongly disagree on, and finding collaborative solutions to differences between you are all part of maintaining your connection.

During your marriage you will surely encounter difficult situations. You will be faced with decisions about which you and your partner have different opinions or different levels of interest and investment. You will also find situations where you two and some of your family members disagree. These may be challenging to you as individuals and as a couple, but they are also opportunities for you to hone your skills as a team. Your goal here is to learn to “Be Kind” even when the going gets tough.

As you spend time together, you can practice these skills not only with your partner, but also with your family members and friends. Though you may not always agree with the other person, you will need to be able to be gracious and hear their ideas. You can also reflect what they are saying without having to agree. Just agree to listen with kindness. This makes it more likely they will listen more carefully to you also and consider your ideas along with their own.

Sometimes “Being Kind” is hard to do. It might help you to know that treating others with Compassion and Kindness creates good internal chemistry that has benefits for your own immune system. Anger and stress create Cortisol in the body that reduces the effectiveness of your immune system. As you encounter difficult situations with your partner or with friends, family members remember, staying calm and learning to see the situation from a balanced perspective will help you “Be Kind” instead of being angry and stressed out.

“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.”

— Lao Tzu

Copyright 2012 Barbara B.White Ph.D.