Brainstorming Shared Solutions
Brainstorming is a versatile tool you can use to resolve conflicts, make decisions, or generate shared plans. It’s used most effectively after diverse points of view are expressed, since this broadens the perspectives of the participants. Brainstorming consists of three parts:
1. Generating a list of possibilities or options.
2. Evaluating your options.
3. Selecting a course of action.
Each of these three steps can make you a stronger, closer, and more resilient team.
1. Generating options:
To generate a list of possibilities or options, you first need to be relaxed and open-minded. Your thinking brain (frontal lobes) and your emotional brain (limbic system) work together best when you are not tense. Criticism and judgment tend to make you tense up, so you won’t be as creative in your thinking.
At this early point, the more options you generate, the richer the idea pool you can draw from, so begin by just listing lots of possibilities. Don’t comment on or critique them, just write them down. Be sure that you include quirky, outside the box options, since these invite creativity. Also, be sure to generate options you think your partner might like so you show generosity and support for his or her happiness.
If you find it is hard to generate options without commenting on their value, you can each generate a list separately and then share them. Brainstorming in this manner sometimes results in generating broader options, since you are specifically channeling your energy into creative thinking as opposed to trying to “sell” your preferences.
How Generating Options Strengthens Your Marriage:
Generating alternative solutions to problems is a skill that contributes to being resilient when responding to challenges later in your marriage. Suspending criticism and judgment helps you each feel free to “be yourselves” in your relationship, and to know that your point of view is valued by your partner. As you learn to do this well and enthusiastically, it can be a lot of fun. Being creative together generates endorphins and often makes you laugh. Sharing laughter is correlated with high marital satisfaction.
2. Evaluating Your Options:
Your second step is to consider the pros and cons of the options you generated. Go through the list and note the pros and cons of each suggestion. Listen carefully and be kind and supportive of each other’s concerns. Try to find positives that you might not have seen at first in options your partner likes. If you are stating your reservations or discomfort with an option your partner is invested in, do so respectfully, maybe using a Sandwich.
How Evaluating Options Strengthens Your Marriage:
As you evaluate options together, you will be learning more about how your partner thinks and feels. You will also be developing trust in the fact that your partner shows empathy and caring for you and your needs. Over the years this will help you to think together as a team, knowing what’s difficult for each of you, and what tends to work for you both. You’ll find that you’re beginning to develop a shared perspective.
3. Selecting a course of action
The last step you will take to arrive at a shared approach to any conflict, decision, or plan is to determine which possibilities best meet the needs of both of you. Start out by reviewing your list of options. First, delete those that are unacceptable to both of you. As you do this, make a note of any aspect of these possibilities that you two thought was insightful or potentially useful if developed in another way. You may want to incorporate these ideas in your solution. Next, circle the options you both thought had some merit. Now go over any remaining options that could be useful if altered a bit. At this point you will begin to get clear on what has to be part of the solution in order to make both of you happy and what aspects are uncomfortable for either of you. Finally, discuss how to combine the constructive ideas in a way that creates a course of action you both feel good about.
How Finding a Shared Resolution Strengthens Your Marriage:
As you go through this final process, you will probably experience your perspective shifting. Sometimes you’ll see the option from your own point of view, thinking, “That sounds good!” but then you’ll realize, “I don’t think s/he will be comfortable with this one,” or, “This one gives me a better deal—it’s just not fair.” This step develops and hones your team approach and your shared mindset. If you do this process well, you both will begin thinking from a “you, me, and us” perspective, and this will help you approach challenges and transitions over the course of your marriage. (For example: “What will happen to us when you go back to school?” or, “Who should quit work when we have a baby—you or me?” and “How will that affect us?”) If you do this step successfully, you should feel relieved, happy, and closer. If you don’t feel that way, try again until you are able to really listen and be supportive and collaborative and find a shared approach.
Copyright Barbara B. White, Ph.D. 2013