A Bridge Built to Last
The function of communication in a relationship is to maintain closeness and manage differences. This tool is not about asking your partner to adopt your point of view; you are just seeking to understand their thoughts and feelings and express your own.
All couples have differences that they have to negotiate and manage—some more than others. Partners who come from very different families, cultures, and traditions, for example, may have their work cut out for them in this regard. But differences and similarities don’t determine a couple’s compatibility nor the strength of their bond. No matter how similar or different you two are, what’s important is that you know how to listen and understand each other and can communicate different points of view with ease.
This tool will help you communicate, even when the subject matter gets tough, in a way that supports your bond and lays a foundation for resolving conflicts.
There are many types of bridges: some are flat, some arched, and others are suspended. What they all have in common is that they span a distance between two sides of a divide in order to connect two different geographical points. Before a bridge is built, there is always a way to get from point A to point B, but since it is a longer, more circuitous journey, it’s not often travelled. When a bridge is built, not only does travel between the two points increase, but the open flow of goods and ideas results in the two disparate points becoming stronger and more vibrant as a result of the increased connection.
When the two of you began dating and were just getting to know each other, you had a fair amount of distance between you. Learning about each other and sharing your different points of view might have been a bit like hopping a ferry or taking a train or plane to cross the distance between you. You likely delighted in this journey and felt excited to make the trip, but as you became closer and more committed, you needed a more convenient way to bridge the distance.
Just as an engineer who designs a bridge considers the distance between the two points that will be connected and what kind of structure will best support the span, you’ll need to understand how much distance there is between you and what kind of communication you’ll need to maintain your connection. The more distance two points span, the stronger the bridge needs to be to hold the traffic it will carry over time and withstand changing weather conditions. The greater the distance, or differences, between the two of you, the stronger your communication needs to be to support your connection over time.
When my father was studying engineering at the University of Washington, he watched the Tacoma Narrows Bridge shimmy apart in high winds and fall into the Puget Sound. It was a great suspension bridge (like the Golden Gate Bridge) and carried a lot of traffic, but it wasn’t designed to manage the environmental conditions. It is still used as a cautionary tale in engineering regarding the need to account for extreme conditions during the design phase.
No marriage is spared tough times. You’ll want to make your bridge really solid and resilient and designed for the worst conditions so you two can ride out the storm together.
The structure of a strong and lasting communication bridge requires two securely attached, emotionally stable peers connected by a span between them that supports an open flow of understanding and ideas. Let’s look at these two components.
1. Two Piers: Strong, securely attached “peers” supporting a span that connects equal interdependent identities. Each partner has a different point of view, and there is no one correct or “right” way to think, believe, or live.
2. The Span: Open to two-way traffic in order to accommodate a flexible, open flow of ideas between you. Each of you needs to express your own point of view and hear your partner’s point of view with respect.
(Note: There are additional tools you can use to enrich your relationship by combining your perspectives and finding shared solutions. Here you are just focusing on communicating your differences.)
Rules of the Road: Guidelines for communicating different points of view.
To express your point of view: “Speak so your partner will listen.”
Use “I statements” (“I think…,” or “My point of view is…,” or “The way I see it…”). This indicates there are different points of view, but no right and wrong.
Show respect, calmly, without escalation or using hurtful or insulting language.
Include lots of positives and “Appreciations.”
Don’t avoid difficult subjects, just remember to use “Sandwiches.”
Do not use character attacks such as “You never,” or “You always.”
Avoid labels, swear words, criticisms, and contempt.
Refrain from judgments, demands, or directives such as,“You should,” or “You must.”
To hear your partner’s point of view: “Listen so your partner will feel heard.”
Be a good, empathic listener. Show concern, be your best self, and stay authentically connected to your partner.
“Keep your eyes on the road,” and pay attention. Keep your focus on your partner’s message.
Try not to take messages personally. If the message is hard to take in, pause, check your perception. Reflect what you hear and ask if that was the intent. Ask for clarification if unclear.
Keep calm and stay engaged. Resist any urge to get defensive or to ignore, dismiss, or turn or walk away.
Let the cars reach the other side. Let your partner finish before you respond. Don’t interrupt. We’ve all had the experience of talking to someone when we can see they are just waiting for us to pause so they can put in their two cents. It is clear they are not listening. They are formulating their response (defensive or offensive), but we know they sure aren’t listening to us. Don’t think about how to respond before you take time to receive and understand the message. If this is hard for you, remember to breathe.
Stress Test Your Bridge
Now that you understand the design of your bridge and know the rules of the road, let’s test your bridge’s capacity.
Instructions:
1. Together select an issue on which you have different points of view. This should be a small topic, like how much TV you would like to watch in your home, who will let the dog out in the middle of the night, how often you think you’d like to eat take out, or whether to wear shoes in the house.
2. Next, review the Rules of The Road, and decide who will be the first speaker and who will be the first listener.
3. Then, take turns briefly stating your thoughts and feelings about this subject. Don’t try to reach a solution quite yet; you can use the Tools Collaborative Communication and Brainstorming Solutions later for that.
Remember to take turns. If you both try to cross the bridge at once you’ll create a traffic jam. Cross the span one at a time with care. This exchange might feel stilted at first, and that’s perfectly fine. As you learn more about your differences and how to manage them, you can begin to speak more fluidly with each other. If you start to run headlong into each other, slow down and go single file for a time.
4. Tell each other how that exchange felt. Is this the way you normally talk with each other when expressing different points of view?
5. Now, go over the rules once more and think of two rules you can easily imagine yourself breaking, and two that you can imagine your partner breaking.
6. Take a few minutes to picture how your communication might have been different if you had both broken the rules of the road. Does this actually happen between you? If so, how often? You don’t have to talk about this with each other, just use this exercise to remind you of how important it is to keep your exchanges respectful and kind. Politeness is one of the first positive behaviors that goes away in a committed partnership.
Now that you understand how to Build a Communication Bridge and how to use it, discuss with each other how well you feel you are able to communicate. If you realized that your skills are not very strong in this regard, don’t worry, there are additional tools you can learn to strengthen your individual skills and connect better with each other. Even if you feel you are starting out with a relatively strong bridge, take a little time to think about the kinds of challenges you may face in the future (a health or work crisis, a move, co-parenting kids, or dealing with extended family members) that will require additional discussions during high stress times. Do you think it would be helpful to practice this kind of constructive communication so you are better prepared for the inevitable challenges you will encounter? Once you’re clear about your current skill level and what you may want to do to ensure a strong connection, discuss with each other how you might practice your communication skills. Committing to improve your skills doesn’t have to mean you practice them daily, but rather that you have a clear intention to build a strong communication style with each other, and that you have a sense of how you’re going to do it. It’s a little like choosing to build a bridge with steel instead of wood.
