Plugging In: Connect Time
Because it is so important to stay connected and infuse your relationship with energy, be sure that you make time each day to hear about each other’s experience and feel the warmth between you. When you were courting you did this naturally, for hours at a time, creating companionship, playfulness and sexual connection, building the emotional closeness that led you to want to commit to each other for the long term. In this ever-growing fast-paced world, this tool helps you to slow down and tune in to each other. This kind of daily connection will keep the bond between you strong, supported, and vibrant.
The foundational part of Bonding is experiencing the feeling of being deeply in sync with each other, feeling love. Some will say this is an emotional connection, some believe it’s chemistry or a neurological connection, and for some it is spiritual. However you label it, what you experience in moments of intense connection or empathy is an immediate and visceral sense of resonance. We are wired for this resonance neuro-psychologically by mirror neurons that fire when we hold each other in rapt attention. The goal of this tool is to create moments of attunement each day that strengthen your loving connection and become your habitual way to regard each other.
The mirror neuron system in humans allows us to feel what another is doing or feeling as if we were doing or feeling it ourselves.
Instructions:
Set a specific time each day to be together in a comfortable quiet place. Make sure you are clear-headed, not tired, and haven’t been drinking alcohol (while it can feel relaxing, it also reduces your ability to be emotionally present and authentic.) Sit close enough to see into each other’s eyes, reach out, and touch each other. Take turns telling each other the following:
1. Exchange Appreciations.
Think of an aspect of your partner that makes you feel warmly connected—something they did or a characteristic you love. Express your appreciation with warmth. If you do this effectively, you will see and feel your partner reflect the warmth back to you and you two will experience a moment of connection. When you are on the receiving end of the appreciation, thank your partner verbally, or with a smile, or touch, completing the circle of connection.
2. The Best Thing that happened today.
Think of what made you the happiest during the day—something that you did or saw, something that you saw your partner do for you or others, something at work or home or with friends—anything that brings a smile and a warm feeling. Tell your story so your partner can feel your happiness and share in your enjoyment.
3. The Most Challenging Thing that happened.
Think of a challenge you faced today that you tried to respond to in a constructive way. This is not necessarily the worst thing that happened. It may have been difficult, confusing, or in some way challenging so that you want your partner to know about it and show you concern or empathy. This is not a time to ventilate negative feelings, so keep the exchange positive. Share with your partner how you overcame the challenge, or invite them to discuss this issue at another time if you would like help or input. If you are the listener, show caring and concern and express empathy and respect for your partner’s efforts to stay calm, think the situation through, or to overcome the challenge.
This exchange helps the two of you understand and support each other’s efforts to manage your lives constructively. Feeling safe to be vulnerable with your partner keeps your communication open and builds your teamwork, making it less likely you will sweep concerns under the rug where they can fester into unexpressed resentments.
4. The Most Interesting Thing.
Share the most interesting thing that happened to you today. When you were dating, you had lots to share with each other and lots to learn, but it’s easy to stop paying close attention to your partner as your lives fill up and you get used to your routines. Sharing with each other what you find intriguing, exciting, or fascinating keeps the two of you interesting to each other and your discourse lively. If your conversations become mundane, you will lose the fun and excitement of discovery. As you share your discoveries, express the excitement, wonder, or surprise you felt. If you do this well, you will find your partner’s response is vibrant. Sharing like this keeps you engaged, listening carefully, animated, and intellectually stimulated. Keep this exchange brief so your focus stays connected and on each other. If you want to discuss these topics in depth later, do that after you finish plugging in.
5. Another Appreciation.
As you express a second appreciation, be aware of what feels special about being with each other. Think of an aspect of your partner that makes you feel warmly connected. It could be something that just happened in this exchange, or some other way in which your partner is precious to you. When you express your appreciation, communicate the warmth and connection you feel. You will again see and feel your partner reflect the warmth back to you, and you two will feel connected.
Taking a few minutes each day for “Connect Time” can help you remember why you are together. These ten little moments of positive connection will also help to balance any small irritations that may have arisen during the day.
As you make this a practice, you will find you are more likely to continue to treat each other each day with kindness and respect. As this becomes a part of your daily ritual, you two may want to personalize the way you do this and put your own spin on it. One couple I know calls this tool “Porch Time,” since whenever weather permits, they do this together on their porch swing. They told me that even their kids notice when Mom and Dad are having “Porch Time,” and they know that it’s a special time for them. However you “Plug In” to each other, what’s essential is to experience the shared feeling of emotional connection.
Barbara B. White, copyright 2014