Plumbing the Depths: Resolving Stubborn Conflicts

If you find a conflict pattern that tends to occur repeatedly even though you think you have resolved the issue, it’s likely that you have only resolved the superficial situation, the symptom, but you haven’t really detected and understood the cause. Once you discover the core issues that underlie this disagreement, you will be better prepared to find a lasting solution.

Since your focus is usually on what’s going on between you (the symptom), most conflicts will appear to be inside your marriage. Though the impact of the social forces is very large, they’re often invisible to you because they originate outside of your relationship. Focusing on each other, you miss the larger picture, so if you are unable to resolve some repetitive issues, you may find yourself blaming your partner. If instead you can see the true cause of these stresses as external threats to your partnership, you’ll be better prepared to address the real problem and work together as a team to find the solution. 

 Instructions:

In this exercise you will work with a relatively small issue that you’ve bumped into repeatedly without having found a lasting resolution. (Starting with a small problem is important because to learn a new skill you need to keep your thinking brain on line and therefore keep your emotions calm.) Your goal with this issue and others that seem to be resistant to your normal conflict resolution skills will be to make the origin of the problem visible. 

Do this exercise together:

First: Identify the repetitive conflict – the Symptom.

1. Reflect on your past and current conflicts, misunderstandings, disagreements or arguments and identify an issue that seems to occur repetitively (even if in slightly different forms) that you two seem to have difficulty resolving. 

2. Notice that each of you may have felt a little frustrated about this, and you may have found yourselves beginning to blame each other, become a little escalated, or avoid the issue. 

As you select your issue, take a deep breath, and remember, we’re going to help you resolve this.

Examples could be deciding to eat out or at home, who should wash dishes, where to go for vacation, whether to attend church this week, what movie to watch, which friends to go out with, or when to visit family.

Second: Discover what external forces generate the conflict – the Cause. 

1. Identify the external issues underlying this conflict. 

You can start by getting curious about what you can’t see on the surface when a pattern of this kind occurs. Is there a difference in perspectives or values that you may not have been aware of? 

What might be the deeper issues underlying this pattern that have not been fully discussed? Is the controversy regarding eating out about different tastes, or unequal sharing of meal preparation, or spending money? Do you agree on financial decisions? Do you have similar points of view regarding work versus household roles? How do you handle it when you run into gender-based preferences? Is the argument about how frequently you attend church, or have you ever really reached an agreement about the role religion will play in your family, which church you will attend, and whether you both will do it together? Have you figured out how to accommodate your different preferences about how to socialize and relax? Are conflicts about when and how to visit family really about how you well get along with each other’s family?

2. Make the origin of the conflict visible. 

Discuss possible sources of the issues you just brought to the surface. Is this simply what you’re used to? What your family modeled? Is it a part of your accepted or chosen value or belief system that you haven’t thought through? Or that you haven’t discussed with your partner? See if you can pinpoint the root cause of your differences and what is keeping you from finding a lasting solution to this conflict.

3. Broaden your perspective.

Here is your opportunity to shift. Recognize that the actual source of the problems between you is not in fact you or your partner but an element of a larger context surrounding the two of you. Allow yourselves to let go of any blame you’ve assigned towards each other, and accept that the source of this conflict is a difference between you that you haven’t really worked through yet. Take a breath. If it seems right, you can apologize for any misunderstanding or harsh behavior. Now you are ready to share your points of view and find a solution that satisfies you both.

As these deeper, more structural, socially based differences surface, it will be important that you negotiate them one by one. Talking about differences can be tricky at first, but once you become practiced at it, your skills will make you stronger, more empathic partners, and you will have more fun with less hassle. 

Third: Defuse the Socially Constructed Conflict – The Solution 

1. With the roots of the conflict unearthed, you can now work more effectively to find a solution. 

2. Use the Tool “Collaborative Communication” to share your point of view. Include your thoughts and feelings about the issue you have had trouble resolving and some of the roots of your point of view you can identify from your social context. 

3.  Use the Tool “Brainstorming Solutions” to generate a resilient response. Once you understand and have empathy for your partner’s perspective, you will be able to brainstorm new possible ways to approach the situation that work best for both of you.

** Sometimes in these kinds of conflicts, your solution will involve sources of external support. You may need to have a conversation with your parents/in-laws or employer or friends about changing boundaries, expectations, traditions, or needs. Or perhaps the solution will call for an opportunity for the two of you to position yourselves differently in one or more of these relationships, whether or not a conversation is needed. 

The particular influence is often less important than how you two make sense of it and therefore react to it. 

When you have come up with a solution you think will resolve the underlying issue, write it down so you can refer to it later. Make a note of the process you used to generate the solution (discussed our differences and what was important to each of us), the content issue (whether we are going to do things the way we did it in my family or yours), and the solution you reached (we made a new agreement we were both ok with). 

Next time the issue comes up, try your new approach, and see how well it works. Sometimes new strategies need a little tweaking before they work like a well-oiled machine. 

Now congratulate yourselves for practicing this new tool! You’ll notice this is one of the more complex Tools to pick up, and it may require a bit more practice than some of the others before you are able to use it freely. Give yourself and your partner a sincere appreciation for the fact that you two are taking time and putting effort into your relationship to ensure that you build a strong, happy, lasting marriage.