Appreciations

“Appreciations” are a general-purpose relationship tool. They can be used to:

• Maintain closeness and good feeling.

• Provide support during times of stress.

• Keep you strong as a team while working through problems.

Like “Tracking Positives,” “Appreciations” can help you build pleasant evens into your relationship, keeping you on the sunny side of the critical 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.

“Appreciations” can be:

• Personal – “I love to cuddle with you.” “I am so respectful of how kind you are with my family.”

• Situational – “I appreciate how you kept your cool when the kids were going bananas this morning when I know you weren’t feeling well.” “Thanks for keeping your good humor despite your tough day at work.”

• General – “I appreciate that you are such a hard worker, a fun companion.”

• Specific – “Thanks for the backrub… for changing the light bulb….. for calling my mom back.”

The most important thing is getting into a habit of looking for the positive in your partner and expressing it openly, warmly, and consistently. 

Remember to make eye contact or touch gently. We do this in courtship but often forget to continue to “make love” in this way every day. Research on gender differences shows this kind of emotional expression is especially important for women to maintain connection with their partner and interest in physical, sexual closeness.

Take a moment now to practice giving each other Appreciations. You can say anything that comes to mind that you feel sincerely about your partner, and practice saying it in a way that you both feel the connection between you.