Circuit Breaker 1 & 2: It’s Happening
There are two parts to this tool. The first part, “It’s Happening,” is a great place to start to defuse conflict, while the second part, “Replacing the Fuse,” will help you move beyond the conflict.
1. It’s Happening—Breaking the Circuit
“It’s Happening” can stop escalation by interrupting an exchange (breaking the circuit before you two blow a fuse!) It is also useful for other types of activation, like when you feel suddenly distant or cut off. Whether your connection becomes explosive, broken or blocked, using this tool provides a “time-out” from an interaction that isn’t going well, and it increases your ability to recognize and manage emotional triggers. If either one of you is unable to realize that you are reactive, the other person is likely to have difficulty calming down also. Stopping the escalation gives you a chance to self-reflect, to regulate your emotions, and to think creatively. By removing yourself from the conflict, you can gain perspective on your interaction, making it easier to empathize with your partner and providing the space to consider alternative solutions that fit for both of you.
For a couple who find it relatively easy to regulate their emotions, it may be that all you need to do to break the circuit is to say, “It’s Happening,” take a breath, and start again. Or you might use your own words, saying something like, “I think we know this road and we should take a breath and try starting again.” That’s essentially an abbreviated version of this tool.
But if you have a harder time regulating your emotions, committing to taking a break from each other before going any further will help you keep yourselves from escalating and doing more harm to your connection.
Agree ahead of time to separate for a limited time whenever you or your partner feels an escalation is beginning. If you’re in high autonomic arousal (your adrenaline-based fight-flight-or-freeze response), I recommend at least fifteen minutes to adequately lower your arousal and thus allow time to cognitively process your emotions.
As soon as either of you realizes an escalation is beginning, stop the interaction. Address your partner as calmly as you can, saying, “It’s happening,” or, “I think it’s beginning to happen,” (or decide on your own code word or phrase). This agreed upon code phrase will stop the interaction without accusing either of you of bad behavior. Let your partner know that you’ll come back when you feel calmer. Then separate; take a break.
2. It’s Happening—Replacing the Fuse
Taking a break to stop the escalation and calm yourselves is helpful; getting a new perspective is even better. Answering the following questions will help you reflect on what triggered your default reaction. Writing the answers will help you calm down further, as it engages your cognitive brain and moves you out of your emotional reactivity.
The first set of questions helps you understand your part in the problem. Be curious and kind.
What just happened? What did I see, hear? What triggered me?
What did I feel?
What did I think?
Does this remind me of our other interactions? Habits or models I learned in childhood?
If I hadn’t stopped my reaction, what would I probably have done?
What would my partner’s response likely have been?
The next questions ask you to focus on your partner’s experience. If you can understand his or her experience, hopefully you can be more compassionate.
I wonder what my partner heard or saw.
I wonder what feelings my partner had at the moment?
What thoughts might have been brought up when s/he was triggered?
I wonder if/how this kind of situation reminds my partner of our other interactions? His/her childhood?
How does this kind of interaction usually play out between us? What does s/he do? What is my response?
What would work better? How else could we respond?
Reconnecting Your Circuit
As you go through these questions, you’ll see that the first set directs you to reflect on your own part of the interaction with the goal of taking responsibility for your half of the equation. The second set directs you to be curious and to try understand why your partner may have behaved the way s/he did.
Try to be compassionate with both yourself and your partner and think of new ways you could interact together better. If you can’t feel empathy for your partner, maybe you are too hurt or angry to think clearly. Wait until you have calmed down and are able to be kind. Then you can reconnect your circuit, telling your partner that, upon reflection, “I think I could have handled that better.”
Taking responsibility for your part of the problem, even if you see it as 10%, helps your partner feel cared for and respected. You don’t have to be specific or to process the situation together, and you certainly don’t want to tell your partner what they did wrong, but each time you go through this process, you’ll learn a bit more about what activates you and why, thus strengthening your individual contribution to your relationship. If you want to, you can choose a later time to share more specific thoughts and insights with each other that may have come up.
If you run into any trouble doing this, you may want to talk with someone professionally for a few meetings to navigate what is difficult for the two of you.
