Tracking Positives
One simple but effective way to maintain a warm regard for each other is to get in the habit of paying attention to your partner’s positive behaviors. As you live together over the years, daily stresses and pressures can take a toll on your mood and draw your focus away from putting your relationship first. Politeness is one of the first positive behaviors to disappear from new marriages, and you may, at times, begin to take your partner for granted. Keeping your connection special is very much a matter of putting an effort into seeing the positive aspects of your partner.
Tracking positive behavior not only raises you mood and lowers depressive symptoms, it also changes your own behavior making it more likely that you will generate more of the same. If you and your partner do this together, you will be more likely to maintain a cycle of positive interactions between you.
Since we remember negatives more easily than positives and need five times as many positive interactions as negative ones have good marital satisfaction, this tool is invaluable. We are wired to connect—mirror neurons fire when we hold each other in rapt attention, allowing us to feel what another is doing or feeling as if we were doing or feeling it ourselves. These neurons reflect our negative emotions as well as positive ones. It is up to us which we focus our attention on.
There are challenges between all partners and ways in which each couple fits beautifully together. What makes a marriage wonderful is how well you deal with each other’s differences in a way that keeps you feeling your partner is precious. Since we all have limitations, you’ll each need to find a way to be compassionate and find little annoyances endearing. You can’t get rid of the source of your every irritation, but you can balance them by focusing on the good things. The goal of this tool is to create moments of attunement each day that strengthen your loving connection and become your habitual way to regard each other.
Instructions:
During the day, pay attention to good things you notice about your partner’s behavior: smiling, doing chores without being asked, reaching out to you, answering the phone call from your mom with a kind, cheery voice.
Pause three times each day to review what you have noticed. Take a moment to smile as you recall the memory. Smiling releases chemicals that make you feel happier and more relaxed. You can make a written or just a mental note of these behaviors. Writing can help you make a more memorable brain trace. The more you practice this skill and the more mindful you are of making this a conscious practice, the more likely you will develop a lasting pattern of focusing on positives in your special relationship.
Copyright Barbara B. White 2013