Self-Reflection: Personal Scaffold
Self-Reflection is one of the most helpful and convenient tools you can apply to your relationship. It is always available to you, regardless of the location or emotional state of your partner. Take some time now to practice using this tool.
Honest Self-Reflection Requires a Calm Perspective.
Staying calm keeps your emotional brain from overwhelming your thinking brain. If you become too agitated, you can’t think clearly enough to accurately track your own behavior or that of your partner. Make sure you each feel calm before you practice this tool. You will practice it individually.
Instructions:
Recall an interaction between you and your partner that didn't go as well as you would have liked. (You can choose different interactions since you are doing this part on your own.) Let's see if you can think of how you might have improved your part of the interaction.
**Be sure to select a relatively small issue, hopefully one that is now resolved. This exercise is to help you recognize when you are getting off track and practice a more positive approach. Bringing up big, unresolved issues at this time will not be helpful.
1. Check your constructive behavior first, did you:
Perception: Pay attention and listen carefully?
Emotion: Experience feelings and remain calm?
Thinking: Consider your partner’s point of view?
Behavior: Choose a constructive behavior to respond with? Show concern? Ask for clarification if you needed it?
2. Then check your negative behavior, did you:
Perception: Ignore your partner’s message?
Emotion: Let feelings get in the way?
Thinking: Thoughtlessly assign blame to your partner?
Behavior: Act in an inconsiderate, reactive way?
3. Pinpoint what didn’t work for you and come up with an alternative. Could you have:
Perception: Listened better?
Emotion: Remained calm? Acknowledged feelings and felt compassion?
Thought: Given your partner the benefit of the doubt? Gotten curious instead of judgmental?
Behavior: Asked if you heard the message correctly? Responded with compassion and understanding for your partners experience?
Consider how even one adjustment might have transformed the entire interaction. What might have happened next had you made the alternative choice instead?
You may likely see that not only would your altered approach bring about a different reaction or response from your partner, but that your effort itself to make a change could inspire a similar effort from your partner to check his or her behavior, quickly leading you both to a better feeling exchange.
The easiest and most responsible way to keep your interactions positive and your connection strong is to take responsibility for your own piece of the puzzle. If you focus on improving your part first, you’ll be a better team member.
Copyright 2012 Barbara B.White Ph.D.
