The Communication Sandwich

To be comfortable in your own relationship, you should feel that you each can express your own independent point of view, and that you’ll be able to work together to find a way to accommodate both of your perspectives. It’s as if you each had been wearing glasses through which you saw slightly different views of the world you live in, and now you need to create a shared perspective. You wouldn’t ask your partner to throw their glasses away and just use yours. You’d want to be able to tell each other how you see the world without making either of you wrong. Then you can decide how to proceed together in a way that works for both of you.

This is a simple but very useful tool that helps you discuss difficult issues with your partner in a way that maintains your closeness. Unexpressed concerns can lead to resentments, so communicating your differences is key to building a healthy marriage.

If you are a couple who has had very few challenges arise that were upsetting or hard to deal with, you are fortunate indeed. This is probably a good indicator that you’ve chosen a compatible partner and that you’re both good listeners. Still, every couple eventually runs into issues about which they both have very different expectations, needs, or wants. It’s important to learn how to deal with these situations early on rather than waiting until the strain is too great and it’s hard to be constructive.

The “Communication Sandwich” allows each of you to tell the other person what you think and feel without demanding that you get your own way. It communicates a desire to be heard and understood while maintaining connection.

Instructions: 

The Sandwich has three parts:

(1) Connecting with your partner,

(2) Stating a difference or concern,

(3) Reconnecting.

More specifically:

(1) Say something positive and connecting,

(2) State your concern or different point of view in a respectful way,

(3) End with another positive, connecting phrase.

As you can see, you are forming a kind of “Sandwich” where the “meat,” or “filling” is the main message you want to express, and the “bread” is positivity and connection.  In a sense, you are packing the “meat” of your message in loving kindness.

The key to the “meat,” or to stating your point of view (Step Two), is making sure it includes an “I Statement.”

 “When you did………..I felt……” or  

“When I see you………I think………” or 

“The way I see it……….” Or

 “when you said………….I thought………….”. 

And the key to the “bread,” is warmth, honesty, and relating positivity to the particular “filling” or “meat” subject.

For example: 

(1) Positive Connecting: 

I really care about your parents and I enjoyed a lot of our visit with them this weekend. 

(2) Different / Difficult to Hear

but I realize I need to tell you that when your mom starts telling everyone what to do, I feel pressured and irritated. 

(3) Positive connecting 

I don’t want to stop visiting your parents but I hope we can work out a way to handle the situation better in the future. 

This Sandwich might get a response like:

Thanks for telling me. I didn’t realize it upsets you when my mom gets pushy. I guess I just tune her out, but I can see how it would be a lot harder for you. Let’s figure out how to handle this better so the visits are more fun.

Imagine if the first speaker hadn’t used a Sandwich, but said something like, “I hate it when your mom gets so pushy!” There’s a good chance the response would have been equally reactive. Perhaps defensive. But using Sandwiches ensures that your message is constructive, not reactive. When you pause to think of how to deliver a message that might be difficult for your partner to hear, you prevent yourself from being emotionally reactive. And that prevents your partner from the same in their response.

Whenever you run into a subject or situation you think might create tension or bad feelings, practice using a Sandwich and see if it helps you be heard while still feeling close and respected by your partner.

A well prepared sandwich: 

You know I think you’re a great dad to our kids, but when you yelled at Bobby this morning, it really upset me. I know we’re all tired, and he was being a pain in the butt, but I’d love it if we can all try to be a little easier on each other.

If your partner “gives” you a sandwich, try to remember to show your appreciation by responding with kindness. This will help you encourage each other to communicate what’s really going on, and it will help you trust that you have each other’s support when working to solve any problems or challenges that come up.

I appreciate your telling me how you felt without slamming me. I felt terrible when I yelled at him; he’s only 3! I sounded like my dad. I want to work on being a better parent and I need your help to get there.

If your partner goofs and slams you with a messy” open faced” sandwich:

You’re usually good with the dogs but when you threw the paper at buster in front of the neighbors I just feel like I married a jerk!!!

Try to restrain yourself and respond in a way that brings your partner back on track: 

Constructive response

I know it really upset you, I totally lost it when I stepped in the mess. I didn’t handle the situation well and I embarrassed us both in front of our friends. I don’t mind you telling me you’re upset, but when you call me names it hurts me. I will try harder to not blow up and I’d appreciate your not labeling me. 

This way of speaking is a little formal, but sticking with structure is helpful if one or both of you are not feeling heard or cared for. Sandwiches are useful to get past situations where you may feel a little sensitive, or you suspect that what you have to say could trigger your partner, or cause him or her to get defensive. Reducing the possibility of getting defensive is worth being a little formal at times.

Some people are trained to speak this way; for others it’s really hard at first. This tool might take you a little practice, but once you get the hang of it, even kids can do this. What’s tricky, though, is that some of the times you may want to use a Sandwich will be when you’re feeling agitated or upset, or when you’re especially nervous or worried about your partner’s response. Sometimes in these cases your thinking brain isn’t able to function well. (In fact, you can’t actually make a real “Sandwich” when you’re angry!)  

It’s important to give yourself some space at that time and wait until you’re able to be truly constructive. You should be able to connect honestly with the “bread” as well as the “meat” when you deliver your message.

Using sandwiches insures your message is constructive, not reactive. Pausing to think of how to deliver a message that might be difficult for your partner to hear prevents you from being emotionally reactive. In a sense you are packaging the meat of the message in loving kindness.

To help you out, here is a summary: 

Sandwich making made easy!

Note: Like a deli chef, you’ll begin crafting your Sandwich with the meat or filling in mind, and then choose the appropriate bread to complement it.

1. Be positive. If you can’t think of a sandwich because you are “too upset.” Be Quiet. Breathe. Calm Down. Wait until you can think. Be Kind. You may even want to wait a day or two to bring it up once tempers have cooled.

2. Focus first on the “Meat” of the message. What are you upset about, what do you need to say?

Think about your experience. What did you perceive and what feelings did you have?

I saw/I heard…and I felt…angry…ashamed…sad…upset…exasperated…worried…scared…

3. Make sure you’ve taken the “Mean” out of the “Meat.” State your issue with respect.

“When you…I felt…,” “I’m not comfortable when you…,”

Steer clear of blaming, labeling, put-downs, and blanket statements.

I can’t believe you… You always… You’re so…! You were acting like a jerk! I can’t stand it when you… What were you thinking?!

4. Choose the “Bread.” Here’s where you can put some craft into your Sandwich making. To make your message most easily digestible for your partner, the bread should complement the meat of what you want to say. (Think pastrami with rye, veggie burger on a multi grain bun, grilled cheese with sliced sourdough…)

Some people fall into the trap of grabbing a couple of go-to positive comments just in order to deliver the meat. If it’s generic, it’s not meaningful. It will feel and sound formulaic and it won’t be constructive. The bread is not your ticket to hand over the meat. It is what maintains your connection while you talk about something difficult. It’s an acknowledgment, kindness, caring, appreciation, or empathy. It is gratitude for your partner’s listening to your concern. It is hope of your solving a problem together. And when you bookend the concern you need to express with positivity related to the same subject, you’ll help to disarm your partner and engage both of you in finding a solution.

I really respect your work and I love that you get great exercise, but when you’re so busy that we don’t spend much time together, I feel sad. I know we love each other and I really want to find more time to share together.

If this speaker had instead said:

“I love you, but I’m lonely when you’re busy. I want to see you more because I like hanging out together,”

…it’s still a Sandwich, but it’s a little flat. It lacks the acknowledgments and specificity of the previous example, and it’s therefore not as likely to engage the partner in working to find a solution.

So choose your bread wisely. Make it specific and engaging, and make sure it’s warm and fresh. No one likes stale or soggy slices.

The bread you choose can be:

Kind, hopeful, constructive, warm, bonding, acknowledging, appreciative, empathic...

5. Be patient with yourself and your partner. Appreciate both of your intentions to use this tool well and to keep your communication healthy. As my clients become better at using this tool, they become quite playful with their sandwiches. They even label the sandwiches.

“Honey, I appreciate that you tried to give me a sandwich, but I think that was a triple decker bursting out of two little pieces of party rye.”

 “Oops, Paleo Diet, all meat and no carbs! Sorry, let me try that again.”

“What was that, two pieces of toast? Where’s the filling?” 

Practice The Communication “Sandwich”

Form a sandwich to tell your partner something you are a little hesitant to say but that you think could build better communication between you. Be sure to choose a relatively safe subject to insure that you learn the skill well. Later when you become more practiced, you can use sandwiches to discuss more difficult issues. (In Step Two you will also be introduced to another helpful communication tool, “Collaborative Communication” that will help you discuss more difficult, more complicated issues.)