Getting Started—Strengthening Your Foundation
Increasing Positives, Decreasing Negatives
For any component of your relationship that is under stress, we can focus on increasing positive and reducing negative behavior. Our brains are wired to connect, but they are also programmed to pay more attention to negative input than to positive. Historically this kept us safe as we were on guard for danger. But today, and especially in relationships, scanning for negatives can be destructive. In fact, it takes 5 times as many positives as negatives to feel your relationship is successful. How can we shift this balance?
We can change our brains!
Our brains are very capable of learning new patterns by forming new synapses This neuroplasticity is always available to us, at any age; we just need to put in a bit of effort to learn and practice new skills and habits. Each of us can raise our Emotional Intelligence when we improve our ability to take in information more accurately, regulate our emotions, override negative thoughts to focus on positive, constructive thoughts, and act with kindness and compassion towards ourselves and others. (It takes three weeks to create a new synapse and four months to solidify the behavior by connecting the new brain trace to an extended neural network.) (For neurophysiology of learning see References)
I am including several tools in this program to support you in all of these areas. Here are two to help you get started, as well as a few tips below to keep in mind to make the practice fun and effective.
Your Foundational Tools
These tools are useful for every couple. Practicing them is a good first step towards feeling calmer and more connected.
For increasing positive perceptions, feelings, and behaviors:
For decreasing conflict:
Tips to make learning fun and effective:
1. Focus!
We learn best when we can focus our full attention on the information at hand. This takes energy and motivation, so make sure that when you work on this program you are rested and free of distraction.
2. Take a Break!
When you finish practicing a new tool or working through a step, thank each other and take a break! It might be just for a day, or maybe a whole week. Reward your efforts and do something fun, playful and connecting.
Don’t talk about your relationship until you want to take another step forward. Return, and we will offer you more.
3. Practice your tool – then forget – then remember!
When you think of it, put your new tools in practice. The more you practice, the stronger a new synapse becomes.
If you forget, it’s OK; just start again when you remember. The strange thing about learning is that forgetting and remembering is actually a really effective way to retain new material. (That’s why cramming for tests doesn’t work very well.)
If your partner forgets, DO NOT remind them. When you practice, s/he will remember and will likely, happily join you.
Every partnership is unique and affected by internal and external stress in very specific ways. Ahead, you will find more tools that are useful for every couple, as well as those that target specific vulnerabilities that may be particular to the two of you.
How can you protect, grow, and repair your own unique relationship?
Foundation —> Step 1: Bond—> Step 2: Emotional Health —> Step 3: Social Support —> Step 4: Transitions