Maintenance Manual
Designing your personalized maintenance manual is essential to ensure your relationship continues to run smoothly.
“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.”
Scheduled Maintenance
It is important that you create rituals that keep your relationship tuned up and running well. These rituals are comprised of checking your interactions at scheduled intervals.
Some of these checks are small and should happen frequently, like checking the mirrors and putting on your seatbelts every time you get in the car. Others range from looking at the gas gauge and changing the oil to changing the spark plugs, replacing the fan belt or pulling the engine to install a new transmission.
When you drive a new auto home, you are given a manual that suggests the timing of the scheduled maintenance. Some newer models even have indicator lights that tell you it’s time to take your car in. It’s up to you if you do it on time or even do it at all, but we all know that if you let the oil run dry, failing to maintain the vehicle can ruin the engine.
Below is a template you can use to see how some couples maintain their marriage. As you read through it, consider what you think would work for the two of you. If you make the schedule so difficult that you are checking the car more often than you are having fun driving with the top down, you will not be happy. If, on the other hand, you neglect to check in often enough to catch problems before they become serious, you may have to take it to a professional to rebuild the engine or even worse, junk the car.
You might think of your scheduled maintenance in terms of when you need to fill the tank, wash the car, change the wipers and get the 5,000, 10,000, and 25,000 mile maintenances done. Be creative. This is your vehicle; take care of it, and have a good ride!
Daily Maintenance: Creating rituals that keep you “in sync”. Whether you work together, commute, travel, have kids in the house, a daily check in can reduce misunderstandings disappointments and ensure you show warmth and have fun together every day.
Check-In - A brief face-to-face, to connect, perhaps as you enter or leave the house, or find out what’s up for the day.
Connect Time – Plugging In - Review the tool, and make sure that you take time with each other to be together and feel your emotional connection. Be creative, and make your own ritual.
Weekly Maintenance: (Plan a particular day and time, like Sunday afternoon.)
Calendaring - Check your plans and expectations with each other so your week’s activities unfold comfortably with as few misunderstandings or disappointments as possible. Remember to review work and childcare schedules as well as social, community, and recreational plans and activities.
Date night - Your relationship is the cornerstone of your family. Doing your best for your kids is being as close to and happy with each other as possible. Date Night should not be a time for business or scheduling, only a fun time away and alone with each other. Choose something fun, playful, interesting, and bonding. Make your Date Nights vary—some may be focused on physical activity, some more intellectually stimulating, and others more intimate. Just remember this is when you recharge and rekindle the spark of your connection to each other.
Our Time - Find two planned times where there is privacy for sex or intimacy.
Team Troubleshooting - Set aside time once a week to check if there are any important issues brewing. This keeps your bond strong and helps manage differences before conflict escalates. (Express feelings, discuss kids, updates, new ideas, and problems). Example: If money is a problem, schedule a weekly check until you develop a smooth running system and strong trust, then check in monthly or at least quarterly, and commit to doing this together as time goes on so that you will both stay informed.
Managing longer-term projects and planning ahead are important to keep you on a positive trajectory and to avoid crises. Reviewing progress and clearing misunderstandings or hurt feelings keeps you from building up resentments that can create distance.
Monthly Maintenance: (Plan a particular day and time, like the first Saturday of the month and do something special afterwards.)
30 Day Review - Check in once a month on longer-term goals, and discuss upcoming events or situations that require planning ahead. Look ahead to see if there are events or changes that you need to prepare for, and look back to see if there are any challenging issues that have been surfacing with some regularity. Use the Tools “Collaborative Communication” and “Brainstorming” to resolve anything that comes up. This kind of troubleshooting to keep you on track.
Financial Check-In - Review budget, goals, and your progress towards those. Plan a special getaway if possible.
Special Event for the Two of You - This doesn’t need to be expensive or fancy, just make time to remember why you chose each other and have fun together. If you have kids, find a way to have them taken care of—family, friends, babysitter, or do an exchange with another couple. Don’t forget, one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is their parents’ happy marriage.
Special Event for Family - Again, this doesn’t need to be expensive or fancy, just make time to plan something that connects you all. What do you want to do as a family? Begin traditions that they will look forward to doing with you long after they have left for school and when they bring their own little ones to visit. Music, sports, skiing, camping, travel, hiking, sailing. Be sure to remember to laugh and have fun together.
Quarterly Review: (Every three months, your Monthly Review should expand to a Quarterly Review. Mark these dates on your calendar and do something fun afterwards.)
Longer term Planning - Review your social and vacation planning, job status, visits and relationships with extended family, and financial overview. Be sure to pause and get some perspective—review any big transitions you have had and check in about how things are going now.
Quarterly Getaway - Get away from your social context to get perspective and reconnect.
Yearly: (Plan for one of your quarterly check-ins to do a yearly review, maybe October or near your anniversary, and do something fun afterwards.)
Anniversary Review - Some people get to their anniversary and don’t feel particularly celebratory. Make sure you check in with each other a month before so that you are in good shape to enjoy each other and your special day.
Long Term Planning - Check in about retirement, college, 5 year plans, family planning, and financial goals.
Higher Purpose - Consider how you are participating in your wider community, and in spiritual or philanthropic endeavors. Giving to others brings joy, bonds you two to higher goals, and sets a positive example for your family. What charities do you support? What volunteer work do you do? How do these choices reflect your personal history and values?
Week away - Take some time away from jobs, home maintenance, kids, family, and friends every year or two to renew your primary connection with each other. This can be done inexpensively by trading childcare with friends. While they have your kids, you can go camping or just plan a staycation at your own place without the kiddos. Just change it up so you have time to connect just the two of you.
When you’ve read through these examples, discuss which of these activities you would like to include in your personalized maintenance manual. Decide on a schedule that will work for you. Enter your maintenance schedule into your calendar.
