Building Your BEST Relationship
Step One: BOND
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The next Steps will help you strengthen the four critical factors that make up the Blueprint to create your BEST relationship. They are introduced in the order I’ve found helpful for most couples and build on each other, so each skill you add will make the next easier to master. You can do them in order, as suggested, or you can skim the whole program, decide which issues you want to approach first, and go straight to the relevant tools. If you have trouble and need to return to master more basic skills first, you can always do that.
BOND
When partners have a strong bond, they speak in a way their partner can hear them and listen in a way that their partner feels heard. Bringing this kind of attention, appreciation, and acceptance to their interactions, they can express their love, understand their differences, and resolve their conflicts. Aspects of having a strong bond are:
Sharing similar goals and values
Being good friends
Laughing together
Expressing affection
Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable
Having emotionally connected sex
Feeling heard by each other
Being able to negotiate differences
Trusting each other
If the bond between the partners is weak, or they lack skills to effectively resolve differences, they may:
Have trouble managing challenges
Not feel accepted or loved
Try ineffectively to connect and get discouraged, frustrated
Get locked in escalating conflict
When any of these patterns occur, the ability to listen with an open heart to the partner’s messages and to understand his or her point of view with an open mind diminishes.
Deconstructing a Black Diamond
When you are trapped in a circular debate pattern that escalates until you are unable to perceive accurately and think clearly, you end up in a black diamond. You shuttle between emotion and reactive, unthinking behavior. Getting stuck repeatedly in a black diamond pattern can lead to a break up, so if this is happening, you will want to attend to this right away. Generally by the time this pattern occurs, partners have already tried being kind and letting frustrations roll off their backs, but without a way to actually resolve the problems, they get stuck defaulting to destructive habits. Below you will find tools that will help you interrupt the negative pattern and create a new constructive pattern.
Our Bond Under Stressful Conditions
When sheltering, couples are confined with each other for longer times with fewer distractions. Those with a strong bond have effective skills they can use to adapt to the new situation flexibly and continue to be able to enjoy each other. The biggest issues for them may be finding creative ways to spend their time and keeping in touch with friends and family they miss.
Couples who feel less connected, however, may become more aware of their distance and can feel unhappy with their relationship. With fewer distractions, their lack of closeness can feel more painful or disappointing. For these couples, a wish to deepen their connection may become a higher priority, particularly if they realize they have a unique opportunity to strengthen their bond.
Partners who are in small apartments in urban areas where it is difficult to get outside in nature may be especially challenged feeling they don’t have the space to relax, cool off, or exercise. Using this time to develop better communication and conflict resolution skills can be very helpful.
With complex family dynamics in confined spaces, it’s important to find time to be alone, both as individuals and as an intimate couple.
As partners are faced with multiple changes in jobs and roles, they may need to strengthen their ability to discuss and negotiate challenging differences between them. If they are unable to do this effectively and with grace, their bond may cool, and they may find they are becoming emotionally and physically distant.
Your BOND Toolkit
Tip: be sure to give yourself time and take breaks as you try these tools. If it feels especially hard, try one then wait a week before trying again.
New Tools:
Support for staying close, warm, and loving:
Keeping communication warm and open:
Your conflict resolution skills — interrupting a Black Diamond and creating a new constructive pattern
Stop escalation, understand defaults:
Resolve conflicts:
Finding shared solutions:
Foundation —> Step 1: Bond—> Step 2: Emotional Health —> Step 3: Social Support —> Step 4: Transitions