Building Your BEST Relationship
Step Two: EMOTIONAL HEALTH
Emotional Health
The connection between partners is protected with the support of two emotionally balanced individuals who can hear and understand each other, manage their feelings, and be good team members. Partners with these skills have often been raised in stable situations with loving parents or caretakers who helped them feel secure or who found other supportive mentors in their lives. Partners with strong Emotional Health tend to:
Be comfortable committing to long-term relationships
Have an accurate picture of their strengths and vulnerabilities
Be responsible, trustworthy, and generous
Treat their partner with respect and dignity
Reflect on their perceptions, emotions, and thoughts
And are thus able to modulate their own actions and behavior
If partners have grown up in less supportive situations, had challenging childhood experiences, or experienced trauma or hardship, they are likely to have more difficulty staying emotionally regulated, especially when they are in a challenging exchange with their partner. They may:
Find it hard to reflect on their own feelings and thoughts
Struggle to hear and understand their partner, especially under stress
Have difficulty choosing balanced and compassionate behaviors
Be more likely to experience escalating emotions
Default to repetitive conflicts that can erode their bond
Be more likely to lean on alcohol or other substances to manage uncomfortable emotions
Strengthening your Emotional Health
If one or both of you have difficulties modulating your emotions or find that your personal insecurity or anxieties make it hard to maintain a secure bond with your partner, you’ll be relieved to know that this is something you can get better at!
The great news is that neuropsychological research over the last few decades has shown you can gain internal security and emotional skills any time and at any age! You will find some of these tools below.
Our Emotional Health in Stressful Times:
The fear and anxiety of first responders and essential workers working in high-risk jobs can make staying emotionally calm once home a challenge both for the workers and for their partners and families.
For partners who have a history of neglect, abuse, or trauma, the stress of sheltering puts an additional strain on their ability to stay emotionally regulated.
Isolation and the associated loss of support, combined with fewer meaningful and enjoyable activities, can lead to depression and loneliness.
Worry about health of family members, particularly elders and those most vulnerable, increases anxiety.
While connecting online is comforting in some ways, at times it can leave us feeling even more distant as well as fatigued.
Under prolonged stress and confined in small spaces with limited access to nature, we can become frustrated and angry and may need additional strategies to handle our emotions and behaviors.
As jobs and working conditions are changed or lost, couples face increasing financial hardships, raising anxiety.
As the sheltering continues over time and we are increasingly uncertain about the future, we are feeling overwhelmed and tired and losing patience.
Your EMOTIONAL HEALTH Toolkit
Tip: be sure to give yourself time and take breaks as you try these tools. If it feels especially hard, try one then wait a week before trying again.
New Tools:
Observing yourself:
Regulating emotion:
Increasing internal security:
Relevant tools you have previously been introduced to:
Increasing internal security, building connection:
Communicating about problems before they become conflicts:
Your conflict resolution skills:
Developing conflict resolution skills:
Generating solutions, thinking outside the box:
Suggestions for sheltering:
Put your health first. In sheltering we are experiencing higher levels of tension and negative emotions, and our normal brain functions are being disrupted. We are experiencing disorientation in time and disruptions in memory. Try to limit your screen time. Get the sleep you need, eat healthy, drink a lot of water, cut down on sugar, and regulate your use of alcohol and substances that can have a depressive effect. Get exercise—outside if you can, or find space and time inside for yoga or a workout class online. All of these will help you feel less depressed and calmer. Take up meditation. There are many excellent programs offered online for free that can increase positive emotions and decrease negative rumination.
Create a safe space where each of you can go to take a break, have time to breathe, and get calm—you might journal, listen to music or a meditation tape. If you have little kids at home, build a little tent for each of them and help them furnish it with pillows and a cozy blanket, a few favorite calming stuffed animals, a comforting book, a sketch pad to draw on, or music they love. When anyone wants/needs a break, give them 15 minutes to calm down and re-center. Then respectfully check in and ask if they need a hug, a glass of water, or if they’d like a little more time. The goal is to provide safety to feel more secure but also trust that someone cares about them.
You may not have realized how much your personal history and interpersonal habits affect your relationship. While staying at home, this fact is becoming clearer to us. The good news is that the discomfort we are experiencing is motivating change in a lot of people. Make use of this time with fewer distractions to learn new skills, tools, and habits that will make you a better partner and your relationship happier and stronger over the course of your lives.
Foundation —> Step 1: Bond—> Step 2: Emotional Health —> Step 3: Social Support —> Step 4: Transitions