Building Your BEST Relationship
Step Three: SOCIAL SUPPORT
Social Support and Stress
Every relationship exists in a larger context of extended family, friends, jobs, religious or cultural affiliations, and recreational, social, and political associations, all of which influence the partners individually and as a team. Finding sources of support from your current social situation is necessary in order for your partnership to thrive.
In a strong relationship, partners have figured out how to find support and minimize stress from external sources.
They understand how their individual social context uniquely influences them, and they find ways to manage their differences in opinions, beliefs and needs.
They are aware of how the two of them are also impacted jointly as a couple, and they use this understanding to manage stresses that can put pressure on their relationship.
They establish a shared family culture that is comfortable for both of them, and they build a community around them that supports them as individuals and together.
Loving families and a strong friendship network
Steady employment, financial stability
Health insurance
Living in an openly accepting (rather than a stigmatizing) community
Sleep, health, and diet
Opportunity to pursue passions (athletic, educational, artistic)
These types of social support can buoy up a couple and help them through tough times
If couples have trouble managing external social influences, they can feel stressed, and their connection can become strained. In the face of multiple external sources of stress that may affect each partner differently, it is challenging to remain flexible and collaborative with each other while still staying connected to a supportive community outside of the relationship. For example,
Differences in partners opinions, beliefs, and values (springing from family traditions, gender socialization, religious beliefs, or the expectations of in-laws) can be hard to discuss and can pose challenges to shared strategies that feel supportive of both partners.
Current work conditions, access to health care, availability of public social services, educational opportunities for children, and the level of income and social equality available in their community directly affect the balance of support vs. stress that impinge on a couple.
Growing up in a challenging family situation
Losing a job, going into debt
Being a member of a discriminated group or minority
Negotiating religious or class differences
Lack of sleep, physical illness, or disability
Substance use problems
All of these examples of stress can degrade the amount of energy or resources available to connect to your partner.
Resolving Socially Constructed Conflicts
Conflicts that are not about you two but are a result of pressures from outside of your partnership can force partners to rethink established patterns they may have been comfortable with for some time. Times of social upheaval can unearth differences in values, backgrounds, and beliefs the couple may never have had to discuss before, and may create a need to review understandings or renegotiate agreements. To do this successfully, you’ll want to have really solid skills. The tools below can help you.
Huge discrepancies over job and career changes upend the economic balance of the couple. Some paths shut, others moved online, and some may be more or less productive than before.
Job loss due to sheltering that leads to loss of income and health insurance, and food/housing insecurities.
Neurological and physiological stress of sheltering can lead to disorientation, lack of sleep, exercise, excessive drinking and substance use.
Partners and family members feel separated or trapped by risk factors.
Protests over social injustice raise deeply emotional issues, compelling discussion previously unexplored between partners and extended family members.
Isolation, loss of interaction with friends, neighbors, and colleagues.
Social Support Under Stress:
Loss of support from extended family or other caregivers increases the task load on the partners.
Homeschooling: Couples with kids who were in school or childcare can feel overwhelmed by the demands of the new situation and now have to rearrange their space and schedules.
Different family dynamics while sheltering in place may require a renegotiation of roles and tasks that are rooted in traditional social “norms” outside of their relationship.
Loss of job or business closure creates financial insecurity and feelings of isolation.
Partners who had different views they thought they could ignore are suddenly faced with making shared decisions about health and risk they can’t agree on.
In the face of multiple external stressors, partners may lack the energy and optimism to continue to search for additional resources to support their family.
Your SOCIAL SUPPORT and STRESS Toolkit
Tip: be sure to give yourself time and take breaks as you try these tools. If it feels especially hard, try one then wait a week before trying again.
New Tools:
Communicating differences:
Understanding the origin of socially constructed conflicts:
Relevant Tools you have previously been introduced to:
Helping partners observe themselves accurately:
Your conflict resolution skills:
Resolving conflicts:
Generating solutions, thinking outside the box:
Suggestions during sheltering:
Be aware that as your outside conditions change, your roles may need to change in ways that can be awkward or uncomfortable at first. You might need to revise gender-based expectations, family traditions, or cultural customs to create the flexibility required to meet challenges. Make time to discuss how the new conditions and stresses are affecting each of you and be open to exploring your differences like you’ve never had to do before. Support and be gentle with each other, listening empathically to each other’s experience. If you need help, use Collaborative Communication to guide you. Then Brainstorm together.
Consider new, creative ways of combining your different points of view that have come up during this challenging time. Review your needs and priorities together and decide what has to be accomplished now, what you can afford to put off, and what new ways you can share the load. While all of this can be complex under the current circumstances, you may find that you come out a stronger, more resilient couple on the other side.
Maintain the support you already have. Remember, we are all going through this together, and reach out. Discuss who you two want to reach out to individually or together and email, call, or write. Connections can be maintained without face-to-face contact—phone calls are back in vogue and handwritten notes bring joy. Online communities (service groups, book clubs, churches, even exercise classes) are helping keep connection. Look for sources of support from local, state, and national programs.
Try to reduce negative influences. Staying informed is important, but it’s also a good idea to take breaks from the news. If you are having trouble talking with each other or with extended family about what is going on because you have different views about risk, choose a neutral source of information you can both accept. Steer clear of habits that increase anxiety or anger - try not to ventilate about “how bad it is!” Make time for positive activities. Spend time outside if possible. Try to see this time as an unprecedented opportunity for personal growth.
Give support to others. Helping others helps you feel better and puts your troubles into perspective. Support is a two way street. Check in with neighbors and friends who may be isolated. Thank front line and essential workers; get the whole family involved. We are becoming more aware that workers who are essential to our wellbeing turn out to also be the ones who are paid the least and are at the highest risk. This knowledge is shifting perspectives regarding social inequities in our world. Do what you can.
Foundation —> Step 1: Bond—> Step 2: Emotional Health —> Step 3: Social Support —> Step 4: Transitions