One simple but effective way to maintain a warm regard for your partner is to get in the habit of paying attention to your partner’s positive behaviors. As you live together over the years, daily stresses and pressures can take a toll on your mood and draw your focus away from putting your relationship first.

“It’s Happening” can stop escalation by interrupting an exchange (breaking the circuit before you two blow a fuse!) It is also useful for other types of activation, like when you feel suddenly distant or cut off.

Research shows that we need five times as many pleasant events as unpleasant events to feel satisfied with a relationship. A good way to build this into your interactions is to make a practice of expressing appreciations to each other.

If you find a conflict pattern that tends to occur repeatedly even though you think you have resolved the issue, it’s likely that you have only resolved the superficial situation, the “symptom,” but you haven’t really detected and understood the “cause.”

Because it is so important to stay connected, be sure that you make time each day to hear about each other’s experience, and feel the warmth between you. When you were courting you did this naturally, for hours at a time, creating companionship, playfulness and sexual connection, building the emotional closeness that led you to want to marry.

The goal of collaborative communication is moving from being in opposition on two sides of an issue to working as a team member to resolve a mutual problem. You need to understand there are at least two legitimate points of view, and that despite your differences, you both want to find a collaborative solution.

As you focus on improving your relationship, the first thing you need to do is always remember to “Be kind.” Research shows that being able to communicate in a kind and respectful way despite inevitable differences is central to preventing divorce.

The most effective way to handle difficult memories is to defuse them; by returning to look at why the situation was so difficult then and how, with new perspectives and new skills you have learned in this program, you each might have handled it better

Mindfulness is a process of slowing down and focusing on your internal experience so you can better regulate your emotions, calm your mind, and make better behavioral choices.

Change is a natural part of life. You can’t avoid it, but you can learn to embrace it and grow from the experience. Facing changes you encounter directly, understanding the social and historical context, and discussing as a team how to respond to challenges, builds skills as you lay down a positive history.

As you begin to internalize the four components of the Blueprint, you will find that you are building a kind of Internal Scaffold you can use to elevate your perspective so you can see your whole relationship system

This is a simple, familiar, but very useful tool that helps you discuss difficult issues with your partner in a way that maintains your closeness. Unexpressed concerns can lead to resentments. Expressing differences is key to building a healthy marriage.

Self-Reflection is one of the most helpful and convenient tools you can apply to your relationship. It is always available to you, regardless of the location or emotional state of your partner.

Getting your positive interactions back on track is key to maintaining a resilient relationship.

This tool is useful for misunderstandings and other simple kinds of interactions that have the potential to escalate and become problematic. Using this tool helps you two to stay resilient and work together to get back on track.

To design a “Bridge Built to Last” over the course of your marriage, you’ll need to understand how much distance there is between you and what kind of communication structure you’ll need to maintain your connection. The greater the distance (or differences) between you, the stronger the structure of your bridge needs to be to support your communication over time.

Brainstorming is a versatile tool you can use to resolve conflicts, make decisions, or generate shared plans. It is most effectively used after diverse points of view are expressed as this broadens the perspectives of the participants.

Meditation is a way to increase mindfulness. To be mindful is to be in tune with the present moment, and meditation is the practice of being present. People who regulate their emotions well are also well attuned to the present moment. They don’t spin out of it in reactivity or disconnect from it in avoidance.

It is important that you create rituals that keep your relationship tuned up and running well. These rituals are comprised of checking your interactions at scheduled intervals. Some of these checks are small and should happen frequently, like checking the mirrors and putting on your seatbelts every time you get in the car.

To begin with, arranging a date sends a message that both people are interested in spending time together, getting to know each other; they feel attracted and want to see where these new feelings will lead them. They plan a time to meet when they are both free of distracting obligations and can give their total focus to each other.